Dec 22, 2010

One last joke before I am on Holiday! Geniet hom!

A few days ago I was having some work done at my
local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer
asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the
middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what
it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen
and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote
710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and
asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right

If you're not sure what a 710 is ,

Here it is!

I 'm OUT!!

Don't you just love our goverment and all their helpfull staff?

I know it is quite old but all of us had this problem once , the municipality! They are incompentent and fucking stupid, they have got no idea what is going on in their own offices! So I thought you guys might like this letter, it is so funny! And I just love it even more because it is in Afrikaans! So hopefully you enjoy it as much as  I did :)


Dec 21, 2010

Tips for Summer!

Remember it is Summer now and the holidays are just beginning for some! So here is a few useful or useless info just to keep your head above the water!

1.Everyone older always tells you this, dress properly. You don't want to look like the douche on the beach with the red speedo again. You have to dress to the occasion, not on the occasion cause that will only get you arrested or beaten up.

Dec 20, 2010

Piercings, is it worth the look?

So piercings are the new "in thing", but why? I never really could understand them or see the use in them, it looks good but with age it will become more of a burden than a fashion statement.

You get different kinds of piercings, you get the oh so popular belly ring, every girl has them or wants one, I understand the concept of it, it looks nice, it makes your pre birth feeding tube look a tad stylish but what I really can not get my head around is the genital rings...come on its your reproductive organs! Fuck me, I would die if I take a girl home and she pulls out a clit ring, I would throw up, and probably make any excuse to stay from the  lord of the clit!
And the Prince Albert, why the name, I have never seen any of the "royal" family with any piercings?? Who would like pull out a ring of your dick everytime you want to take a piss, and the only girl that finds that attractive is the hardcore dominatrix things, you can even lock dick rings when you having funky time!

It is really not all that bad, it takes the attention away from your weird scrawny eye, poop looking birth mark on your cheek or that Owen Wilson nose, now you look like a complete asshole with a piece of metal in your face!

But seriously , do what you want with your body, it is yours! Fuck it up if you need to...but just picture this handsome man in 20 years!

Ed out! Enjoy the Holidays

I Just Had Sex (feat. Akon) I love it!!

Dec 14, 2010

Will Mono & Jan Joknie - Seks Vir Plesier Befokte song!! Stem vir die Pornstar award vir MK!!!

Just a random thought for the day!

I want 2 live my next life fucken backwards:
U start dead& get that out of d way.
Then u wake up in a old age home feelin better every damn day.
Later u get kicked out 4 being too healthy.
Enjoy ur retirement & collect that fucken pension.
U start work & get a gold watch on ur 1st day.
U work 40 yrs til ur too young 2 work.
Go 2 college, drink alcohol, party & enjoy life while having sex with countless girls.
Then u go 2 school, become a kid, play, have no shitty responsibilities.
U become a baby & then u spend ur last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap and then..  u finish off as a orgasm.I rest my case

Dec 9, 2010

Work and daydreaming about a vacation!

So I am sitting in the office waiting for the work day to end and dreaming about a better time! Yes I am thinking about the holiday in the awesome sun!
Fuck, it is so nice, where you can wake up every morning drunk or hungover and just think to yourself, whats the most unproductive thing I can do today! Just lay around the pool, if you living in Brakpan, probably a big pothole will work as well or Tant Jacomiena's fish pond next to the sewerage plant is not a bad choice!

You don't have to get dressed , fuck it, boxers and slippers is a very acceptable way to walk around, throw in a robe even to get that extra rich Hefner type feel. And the most important thing that's essential to any December holiday, pool parties! Everyone loves them, you meet random girls that you never thought could look good in a bikini, omw how wrong were you!

And you play the most absurd pool games, come on , who would have taught "Adam en Eva" (Marco Polo for the English people)could be so fun drunk! Good advice , try to grab harder when you near a girl or if you feel a piece of material vaguely feeling like a bikini top, don't think twice , yank that sucker off and see the beauty of your action!

A full on punch in the face could be your "voorland" , but trust me and every other straight guy , it is all worth it in the end!  Okey I am going to stop writing because I am just teasing my "hungry for a party" mind! Enjoy the holidays and remember, Keep left and don't shag any black chicks!

Die trailer van die jaar sover! Who Killed Captain Alex!

The whole day I was in the mood for just a piece of sushi!

This picture just fucked up my whole appetite, not because of stupid Nemo, no not at all!

I didn't like the movie, it was "kak" , I just mean who the hell eats sushi without Soya! I mean come on, its like going to KFC and not wanting any chicken! Or even going into a bottle store and buying a orange shouldn't happen!

Against Me! - "I Was A Teenage Anarchist" fucken great music video!!

'n Lekker Joke vir die langpad!

Eendag sit Oupa op die stoep toe Ouma van die kombuis af skree: 'Oupa,
daar is fout met die kleinhuisie!'
(In daardie tyd was dit mos die buitetoilet of longdrop.)

Oupa sê: 'Daar is niks fout met die kleinhuisie nie.'

Maar Ouma sê: 'Daar is. Gaan kyk.'

Nou, in daardie tyd was die man veral baie bang vir sy vrou gewees, so
oupa staan maar op en brom-brom al na die kleinhuisie toe.

Hy kom daar aan en sê: 'Ouma, daar is niks fout met die kleinhuisie

Ouma sê: 'Daar is. Gaan in,' en Oupa gaan toe maar in.

Toe hy binne is kyk hy rond, maar sien niks verkeerd nie en sê: 'Ouma,
ek is in die kleinhuisie. Daar is niks verkeerd nie.'

Ouma sê: 'Daar is. Steek jou kop in die gat in..'

Oupa sê: 'Ouma, ek gaan nie my kop in die gat insteek nie.'

Dis daardie tyd wat Ouma haar stem redelik dik maak en sê: 'Oupa, steek
nou jou kop in die gat in' en arme Oupa doen dit nou maar so.. Nou is
Oupa se kop redelik in die longdrop in om te kyk wat fout is.

Oupa skree toe: 'Ouma, daar is niks fout met die kleinhuisie nie!'

Ouma sê: 'Trek jou kop uit' en oupa trek toe sy kop uit, maar toe haak
sy baard in die gleuwe van die gekraakte houtplanke vas en hy gil
verskrik: 'Ouma, kom help! My baard sit vas!' waarop Ouma antwoord:

'Dis fokken seer, né!!!'

Dec 7, 2010

Why Castle is still the Best

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In Australia, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew... the king of them all - gimme a Bud."Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please.

"The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: "Aren't you going to have a Castle, Norm?"Norman replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."

Not even Batman is safe from Wilileaks!?

Dive Bomb expert

Dec 6, 2010

The Real Truth Joke 2010

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South Africa , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He give Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the

unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah sweeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Metro Council for a decision. 

Then ESKOM demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. 

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.
I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.
Then the Department for Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the BEE group on how many affirmative action persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
The Department of The Interior has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non designated group .

COSATU say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, SARS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. 

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
"The SA Government has beaten me to it."

Dec 2, 2010

Drinking perception

So you go drinking after a damn hard week, you go to your favourite bar or club , first up you get the ice cold Castle or Double special which everyone likes so fucken much. Its always on special if you think about it, has the "special" ever changed in the last 5 or so years? Nope, not at all...

You go back for a few more rounds, get a few shots of tequila and the odd random shit with a awesome name that just caught you....yes I'm talking about the mind blowing  names like Butt Fuck baby jelly, the milkmaids sugar  tits or the worst shot I have ever taken...the Almighty Tombstone, yes these names are absurd but very catchy.

Shit, if you in a bar, which one would you take? the Sours or the Devils Leather Whip? Ask yourself that. And then the obvious happen, you get stumble out of your seat, walk casually to the girl that has  been looking at you since you got here, she's got the looks , the body and the attitude... I say attitude for a reason because that is exactly what you like that fucks you up mentally, because she was never looking at you, she was looking at your "kak" style, the jeans dont match the shirt accordingly to her and those fucking shoes!? What were you thinking???

You are rejected, drunk and demoralised, you get more hammered than usual to block out the images of that bitch turning you down. Fuck it you going for the next big thing, you hook up with this piece of flesh! Don't give a hell about her name, your friends say, "dude you fucken sure about this, you kinda pissed" and then the universal answer comes to that situation, "I'm cool bro , fokit stop being so jealous, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!!"        

  You drive home with her, missing a few roadblocks by taking back roads and just speeding all the way cause you ready to get it on, funky time is awaiting you and that thing. You get home, have a extra ordinary time in bed, you can't remember shit really...Waking up to this face just sums up your night

Dec 1, 2010

I miss the good old party days

Fuck I miss it so badly, remember where you actually had to lie to your parents before you go out? "We having a sleep over with some pizza and alcho.....dvds!!!"

Shit those where the best days, no work the next morning when you suffering from the Babbie! I remember still going to buy quarts at a fucken dodgy shebeen in Pretoria North, hell I thought it was going to get crazy when we walked in there but they were chilled, obviously from all the previous little fuckers going in with exactly the same mission as get shit faced !

Nov 25, 2010

This is how drunk you must get when you party, see piss stains under the guy in the red pants


Traffic... I hate it, you hate it everyone hates it!

I was sitting in traffic for 2 hours today on a 10km drive....holy shit, can we not get someone in our shitty goverment to sort out this shit? The main culprits are these asshole taxi drivers ,they are the scum of the earth, they cause the accidents and fuck ups!

And yet nobody in the goverment is blaming them, they are ranting about the upgrading of the road system, excuse me but I have never seen any roads remotely close to being finished around Gauteng. Shit even the guy on the radio said avoid any roads, it's a joke really!

And we can also blame the bad drivers, how many of these fools have VALID licences. I said valid for a reason cause it is so easy to buy one next to the road, hell you can even buy a pilot licence in Marabastad! I have seen it with my own eyes, bought one for R249.99, it was on a weekend special, I know what you probably thinking....Score!

This is exactly why I think Will Ferrel is the coolest dude out there!!

Nov 18, 2010

In Honour of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Pick n' Pay's peanuts
-- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


On Clicks
Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


On a Woolworths Bread Pudding

"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


On a Clicks hair dryer
- Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Simba Chips

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary!
Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dove soap -

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)


On some Checkers frozen dinners -

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(please note that it's just a suggestion.)


On the packaging of a Rowenta iron -

"Don't iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)


On Nytol Sleep Aid
-- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)


On some brands of Christmas lights of Eastern origin
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to what?)


On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(Now, somebody out there, please help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


Instructions on a SA Airways packet of peanuts
[1] Open packet;
[2] Eat nuts.
(Step 3: say what?)


On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(Don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a German chainsaw ..

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On Woolworth's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on the bottom)
"Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

MK MVP : Jack Parow - Tussen Stasies

Nov 11, 2010

Worst South African singers

You get the bad, you get the horrible and the you get the plain fucking assholes! They might be nice people but fuck it, their music sucks donkey cock! In no particular order.

12.Juanita Du Plessis aka "thats a huge bitch" ! She sings kak, she wants to fuck penguin's(according to Wat Kyk jy ska rumba means seksuele omgang met 'n pikkewyn in Polish or something)

Nov 10, 2010

When teenage sex goes bad!

The Friends

Everyone has buddies, bra's, homies or just  foken pelle, but they all in different categories, they all play a role in jou opvoeding.

First of you get the guy that gets doosdronk every time you kuier or see him! he has got a endless supply of money, not neccesarily working for it but getting it from his dad or mom, he calls girls bitches wat wil naai and loves in plain words to fuck! he is the guy where you say, where the fuck is he , the next morning!

Gang rape in schools

This new story about gr8, fucking boys raping a poor girl in school time in the field, I'm fucking sorry but this is the parents fault and also the teachers, why?

Cuz where the hell is the gates around the school, when I was in school it was like fokken pollsmoor prison,no I was not in boys town!

In a random school just like the one mentioned in the story! The parents....not judging but can you not realise that your child wants to rape something, and don't give me the shit of they were alone and had no friends, there were ten of the assholes, I really feel for this girl, her whole life is ruined with that video!!

Throw these assholes in prison, just to get raped for one day, maybe I'm harsh but I got absolutely no respect for rapist!! They are the scum of the earth!

Julius malema

Is he the biggest doos in South africa!

No he isn't, he is the biggest Twit in the world, cuz apparently him and his asshole of followers namely the ANCYL wants to shut down twitter!
Can you be more fucking of a cunt? Yes he can, why you ask, cause he failed woodwork in matric......find it hard to believe cuz his head is made of wood!

I feel so fucking sorry for the young people he gets under his wing, they will become mind fucked by this moron's stupid rants, well guess what South africa say hello to your next president , cause no one has the balls to stand up to him, not even the great Mandela, zuma is to busy with his balls somewhere else to notice this doos!

But hey look on the bright side, he can't get more dumb!

Even dogs are into porn these days

This has got to be the weirdest fucking sign in the world! but it is stil awesome! who would not eat waffles and sunbathe nude

So tipical South african cuz nobody wants to listen to shit!