The guys were all at a hunting camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man,
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night."
Ek skryf die briefie maar stadig omdat ek weet jy kan nie vinnig lees nie.
Ons bly nie meer op dieselfde plek as toe jy weg is nie. Jou pa het in die koerant gelees dat die meeste ongelukke binne 20 kilometer van die huis af gebeur, toe besluit ons om te trek. Ek kan ongelukkig nie vir jou die adres gee nie want die vorige familie het die nommers saam gevat, seker sodat hulle nie hulle adres hoef te verander nie.
Hierdie plekkie is regtig oulik. Hier is selfs 'n wasmasjien, ek is nog net nie heeltemal seker hoe hy werk nie. Laas week het ek 'n bondel klere ingesit en die ketting getrek. Ons het nog nie weer die klere opgespoor nie.
Die weer hierso is ook glad nie sleg nie. Dit het net twee keer gereen laas week; die eerste keer vir drie dae en die tweede keer vir vier dae.
Omtrent daai jas wat jy gevra het ons moet vir jou stuur; oom Frikkie het gese dit sal te swaar wees in die pos, toe sny ons maar die knope af hulle is in die linker boonste sak van die jas.
Pietie het gister sy sleutels in sy kar toegesluit. Ons het rerig bekommerd geraak want dit het hom twee ure gevat om my en jou pa uit te kry.
Jou suster het vanoggend 'n baba gehad, maar ek het nog nie uitgevind wat dit is nie, so ek weet nie of jy 'n oom of 'n tannie is nie.
Die baba lyk net soos jou boetie.
Oom Wessels het laas week in 'n vat brandewyn geval. 'n Paar manne het hom probeer uithaal maar hy het hulle afbaklei en verdrink. Ons het hom laat veras. Hy het vir drie dae gebrand.
Drie van jou vriende het met 'n bakkie van die brug afgery Koos het bestuur, hy het sy venster afgedraai en na veiligheid geswem. Jou ander twee vriende het agter op gesit. Hulle het verdrink omdat hulle nie die bak se klap kon oopkry nie.
Daar is nie meer nuus nie. Niks anders as die normale het gebeur nie.
Jou gunsteling tannie Betsie.
Ns. Ek wou nog vir jou R25 insit maar ek het al klaar die koevert toegeplak
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Les's wife,
Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim
upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness,
Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it
but it will cost you R1000.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of R1000 - they went to the bedroom
and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked,
'And did he give you R1000?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed R1000 from me. He
promised he'd stop by our
house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
‘n Trop buffels beweeg net so vinnigsoos die stadigste buffel.
Wanneer die trop gejag word is dit die stadigste en swakste agterwat gevang word.
Op dieselfde manier funksioneer die menslike brein net so goed soosdie swakste breinsel.
Soos ons weet, vernietig oormatige gebruik van alkohol breinselle.
Maar natuurlik val die alkohol die stadigste en swakste breinsel eerste aan.
Op hierdie manier, deur gereelde gebruik van alkohol, word dieswakste en stadigste breinselle
vernietig, wat dan die brein vinniger en meer effektief laat funksioneer
.... en dit is hoekom jy altyd slimmer voel na 'n paar doppe!
This can turn out very Ugly. !!! A warning for all men who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two very hot girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and WindoLene with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to KFC. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, unzips your pants and plays with you while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So please be careful.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared.' Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark??' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not??' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' Operator: 'Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!'
I think Will is probably one of the funniest actors of our time! He is the ultimate comedian, I have never seen him play a role badly, he puts everything into his character. Be it be swearing, nudity or just plain retarted,he kills it.
Everyone knows him from his famous roles in movies such as Old School, who could ever forget Frank the Tank, every guy has a "Frank" friend after that movie. The guy that fucks up the beer funnel but goes streaking naked alone after it, aahhh good memories.... Anyway back to the movie, probably one of the best quotes ever comes from it, you will have used it in some or other situation, if you have not, shame on you. "YOU'RE MY BOY BLUE!!"
Another great movie is Anchorman:The Legend of Ron Burgandy.
There is so many funny moments in that movie that it is impossible to list all of them but I can sure as hell name one. "I look good, hey everybody come see how good I look", a killer of a line.
It also made history in a very important way, how you ask? It basicly gave every skinny guy permission to refer to his arms as GUNS!
Talledega Nights:The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.
In the words of the great Colonel Saunders, "I am to drunk to taste this chicken"
The movie also paved the way for the invisible fire and to call for Tom Cruise's help in any situation. It really made Americans look dumb as well with phrases like."We invented the missionary position and Chinese food."
Blades of Glory is one of those where you just think to yourself, only Will can make fucking ice skating look cool, and where you can find a comb made of a Norwal's horn according to him.In the movie he is Chad, the original bad boy of competitive ice skating, sorry but that has got to be the most random storyline ever conceded and he is the "Lone Wolf"
Last but not least we have his latest comical performance, Megamind.
If you have never seen it, do yourself a favour and go check it out. You will not be dissapointed, from the great story to the horrible pronouncing of words such as School and Metrocity( if you watched it you will know what I'm talking about) and the great one liners. I am not saying any of them because you need to experience it for yourself!
Really great one's that you have to see:
Elf ( I know it is a family movie, but good never the less)
Land of the Lost
The other guys
Kicking and Screaming
Krisjan : "Goeie more. Maak vol met Super, asseblief."
Attendant : "How much?"
Krisjan : "Vol asseblief."
Attendant: "I only speak English Sir!"
Krisjan : "Noooo problem.... Good day to you, Sir.
I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore, I cordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, a sufficient quantity of combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim."
Attendant: "Hau!" ?
Krisjan : "Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke English?"
Attendant: "English..... that? she is not English!"
Krisjan : "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you do not even recognize the language which you allege to be your singular means of communication?"
Attendant : "Hau?"
Krisjan : "Let me attempt to elucidate in the most elementary terms your paltry grasp of the English vernacular is frittering away the time at my disposal, or, as I would put it, in a more civilized, intelligible language....
Dit is fokken duidelik dat jy fokkol van Engels weet, so kry jou slapgat in rat en maak hierdie bliksemse kar se tank vol voordat ek hier uitklim en jou moer want jy mors my fokken tyd!! Verstaan jy nou??
Attendant: "Ja,Meneer. Vol,Meneer! Afrikaans is beter, Meneer!
After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive). A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said : "Aag, yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin see how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor...
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in: Meyerton, Vereeniging, Vanderbijlpark, Springs, Bronkhorstspruit, Primrose, Eastgate, Carltonville, Orkney, Randfontein, Brits and Boksburg.
I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 9 October 2010 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.
However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honourable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.
I hope that yours will come out shortly..
PS: I regret to inform you that given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws. I find it difficult to accept your deliberate and non-professional arrogance.