Feb 9, 2011

Sex 101. Stuff you need to know

It is all around us at the moment and infiltrating our society as we speak, and no I’m not talking about Justin Bieber.

I’m talking about sex, the birds and the bees, sexy time, “kat in die donker knyp”, naai , pomp, “slaan met die snot sambok” , fuck , attacking with the one eyed monster , steek , ontblom and making sweet love. Yes we all have done it once ,twice or a lot of times(if you have never done it, listen up buddy, this one is for you).

We all can remember that first time as clear as daylight, bad or good , it is engraved into your memory forever. Be it with a girl,guy or in some lucky cases two girls( we guys call that the jackpot), it was in some sense exciting and yet fucking scary.

Location played a big role in that faithful day, even if it was in the backseat of your Ford Escort in front of the high school(insert name here). Time was also a big factor, if you still lived with your parents at that time, as all normal people would have, it was fucking essential to get the deed done before they came back from wherever they were.

You really didn’t want to get caught by your dad while you doing the “punt natmaak” or even worse, your mom. Akward silence to follow after that, I assure you.

The CONDOM, either you had it or not, that was the question…..and your answer was always, “fokkit die ding was nou net fokken hier,fok”! Don’t worry, it has happened to the best of us, and the funny thing is , we say that it was just here to the girl but we never even bought it, you were so hyped up on testosterone that it became lost in your sex driven mind. And it was always Choice saadsakkies or the stuff at the Post office, those days the Wet N Wild and Rough riders were not in your sex dictionary.

Just to break down a few things that did happen or should of happened on that chosen day:

1.You were fucking anxious,as like taking a warm tequila at Gossip.

2.You asked him/her if they are liking it, and possibly just got a look of ecstasy in their eyes as a reply, and as a idiot asked them again, “doen jy of moet ek ophou?”

3.You giggled like a school girl when he/she was naked.

4.Didn’t have a condom. (see paragraph above).

5.Wanted to turn off the light during foreplay.

6.Made stupid sounds for a more dramatic effect for example : aaaaaaahhhhhhhh, ffffffuuuuucccckkk that’s gooooood, mmmmmmmmm, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, whoooooohoooooo( my personal favourite), llllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiccckkkkkkk mmmmmmmeeeeeee hhhhhaaaarrdddddeeeeerrrrrrrr and the all time popular , dddddooooonnnnnnnttttt sssstttttoooooooopppp!

7.Farted( shame on you )

8.Broke the condom if you had one or just really fucking struggled to put it on.

9.Picked up your ringing phone ( shame on you twice )

10.Jumped up and had a little heart attack when you heard a door open or close in the distance ,like you were in the Olympic finals.

11.Told her/him that you loved him/her after or during sex( shame on you again ).

12.Suggested a sex toy ( in some rare cases it has happened  ).

13.Hurt the other person , not emotionally but with your penis or body weight.

14.Cried , haha

That’s basically my breakdown of first time sex 101, feel free to comment and suggest things that maybe slipped my mind.

Last words of friendly advice, Have fun fucking!


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