One of the many dangers of Mastrubating!

Would you want to look like this?

and remember, "tos gee 'n mens hare op jou hande"

(shot Lesley vir die pic)


Ed

Sneaky Fokken Prawns

Ed

Is this thinking outside the box

Thought I share a few lovely blonde pictures with you people

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a hunting camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened  to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring I watched  him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,  older cowboy, a
man's man.
 The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.  They said, "Man,
what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and
watched me all night."

If only we all had one of these...

Overtake the wind velocity!

Okey seriously who still has these plastic spinners on their cars? I saw this jet yesterday, I came from the other side and there was no spinners on the that side.

(please see back wheel is also spinnerless)


I asked myself the question, why would you only put one on your car?? I got my answer straight after that, the spinner actually flew off without the driver even knowing.

So if you see a spinner next to the road in Voortrekker, please let this sorry sod know.


Ed

Show Me Your Genitals, hilarious song, (shot Marnus)

If you want to go to Vodaworld (Midrand), make sure that you have a spare tyre.

 This is the result of the recent showers that we are having, even the road is "gatvol" of the rain.

Doesn't these pictures just remind you a little bit of the movie "2012", or is it just me?

Ed

If I made cookies it would probably look like this

Ed

Brakpan Briefie

Beste Ketoolsie

Ek skryf die briefie maar stadig omdat ek weet jy kan nie vinnig lees nie.

Ons bly nie meer op dieselfde plek as toe jy weg is nie. Jou pa het in die koerant gelees dat die meeste ongelukke binne 20 kilometer van die huis af gebeur, toe besluit ons om te trek. Ek kan ongelukkig nie vir jou die adres gee nie want die vorige familie het die nommers saam gevat, seker sodat hulle nie hulle adres hoef te verander nie.

Hierdie plekkie is regtig oulik. Hier is selfs 'n wasmasjien, ek is nog net nie heeltemal seker hoe hy werk nie. Laas week het ek 'n bondel klere ingesit en die ketting getrek. Ons het nog nie weer die klere opgespoor nie.

Die weer hierso is ook glad nie sleg nie. Dit het net twee keer gereen laas week; die eerste keer vir drie dae en die tweede keer vir vier dae.

Omtrent daai jas wat jy gevra het ons moet vir jou stuur; oom Frikkie het gese dit sal te swaar wees in die pos, toe sny ons maar die knope af hulle is in die linker boonste sak van die jas.

Pietie het gister sy sleutels in sy kar toegesluit. Ons het rerig bekommerd geraak want dit het hom twee ure gevat om my en jou pa uit te kry.

Jou suster het vanoggend 'n baba gehad, maar ek het nog nie uitgevind wat dit is nie, so ek weet nie of jy 'n oom of 'n tannie is nie.
Die baba lyk net soos jou boetie.

Oom Wessels het laas week in 'n vat brandewyn geval. 'n Paar manne het hom probeer uithaal maar hy het hulle afbaklei en verdrink. Ons het hom laat veras. Hy het vir drie dae gebrand.

Drie van jou vriende het met 'n bakkie van die brug afgery Koos het bestuur, hy het sy venster afgedraai en na veiligheid geswem. Jou ander twee vriende het agter op gesit. Hulle het verdrink omdat hulle nie die bak se klap kon oopkry nie.

Daar is nie meer nuus nie. Niks anders as die normale het gebeur nie.

Liefdetjies
Jou gunsteling tannie Betsie.

Ns. Ek wou nog vir jou R25 insit maar ek het al klaar die koevert toegeplak


(Thanks Trizelle)

Beware of Poker Friends

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Les's wife,
Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim
upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged
red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness,
Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it
but it will cost you R1000.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of R1000 - they went to the bedroom
and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked,
'And did he give you R1000?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give
me R1000.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed R1000 from me. He
promised he'd stop by our
house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my readers, is a poker player ...


Ed

Almost weekend! A few jokes to keep you entertained

Sielkundige vra : Kyk jy vir jou vrou se gesig tydens sex? "Ek het 1 keer en sy't redelik die moer in gelyk!" Hoe dan so? "Sy't by die donderse venster ingeloer......!"

Baas toets blond se wiskunde: "As ek vir jou R5 miljoen minus 10% gee, hoeveel trek jy af?" Blond: "Als Meneer!.... Skoene, rok, bra, holvlos -Fokken ALLES!"


Gatiep: Gammat, wasse honne het djy?
Gammat: Haskies.
Gatiep: Ek vra wasse honne het jdy man....
Gammat: Haskies!!!!!!!!
Gatiep: Ag fokof - Djou, dowe fokker!

Koos maak 'n ongeluk. Hy se vir die polisieman: "Ek vermoed die bestuurder van die ander kar is doosdronk." Polisieman: "Flip meneer, die ander kar is dan 'n koei.....!"

Mike vra Kallie - Is Portugal ver? Kallie se nee, hy glo nie, want daar was Portugese saam met hom op skool en hulle het almal met fietse gery!  

My Blackberry is not working

Why haven't I thought about this?

I "like" these two inventions because it solves a lot of problems, firstly the double bed "jy maak my oop en vat al die plek" tameletjie.

Every person has had that problem where the guy/girl, but mostly the guy lays spread eagle on the bed and hogging all the place and therefore causing a inconvenience towards his partner.

You can now actually measure your space and divide it equally depending on your frame....sorry girls but guys get the advantage here unless your dating a midget.


Will the couple using this wake up in the night ,turn on the bright light and checking who has used the most space.....Very unlikely




 Secondly we have the shower mic...I mean come on?!, who has never sang in the shower pretending your auditioning for Idols?

It will definitely not improve your singing ability in any way but will make you look like a complete fucktard cause in reality you will be using a sponge as a microphone...










It is not all doom and gloom, at least it will stop you from spraying the shower nozzle's water down your throat accidently when you want to hit those high notes.




Ed

Is this the definition of piss scared?

Why drinking is not all that bad

‘n Trop buffels beweeg net so vinnig soos die stadigste buffel.
Wanneer die trop gejag word is dit die stadigste en swakste agter wat gevang word.

Op dieselfde manier funksioneer die menslike brein net so goed soos die swakste breinsel.
Soos ons weet, vernietig oormatige gebruik van alkohol breinselle.
Maar natuurlik val die alkohol die stadigste en swakste breinsel eerste aan.
Op hierdie manier, deur gereelde gebruik van alkohol, word die swakste en stadigste breinselle  
vernietig, wat dan die brein vinniger en meer effektief laat funksioneer

.... en dit is hoekom jy altyd slimmer voel na 'n paar doppe!

Ed 

RAMFEST 2011-You don't want to miss it!

Ramfest confirmed last night that Funeral for a Friend and Alkaline Trio will be headlining all three of their festivals.




The festivals will be held in Durban , Cape Town and Joburg through the month of March.

With other local bands joining the line up like Van Coke Kartel, Zebra and Giraffe and international zeff act Die Antwoord, this will really be a festival that you don't want to miss.









Ramfest has just upped the game for festivals in South Africa with these amazing two bands, and I will be rocking out in Joburg at the Riversands farm on the 12 of March!

Tcikets availible form http://www.ticketbreak.co.za/

Hope to see you there!





Ed

Die Antwoord:One of the shirts that you can buy from the Zefshop on Wat kyk jy

Would you buy one?

Ed

How not to do a Inverted Keg Stand, courtesy of Cameron Bell

A warning for every guy out there!

Please warn ALL your Male Friends .

This can turn out very Ugly. !!! A warning for all men who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.   Here's how the scam works:   Two very hot girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and WindoLene with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to KFC. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, unzips your pants and plays with you while the other one steals your wallet. 

    I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.  So please be careful.

 P.S. Mr Price has wallets on sale @ R19.99 each

Very Funny Old Story but still worth a good laugh

This is a  true  story  from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a  recording  monitoring  the customer care department.
 
Needless  to say the Help Desk  employee  was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word  Perfect organization  for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
 
(Now  I  know why  they record these conversations!):
 
Operator:          'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'  
 
Caller:               'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'  
 
Operator:         'What sort of  trouble??'
 
Caller:               'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words  went away.'
 
Operator:         'Went  away?'
 
Caller:               'They disappeared.'
 
Operator:          'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'  
 
Caller:               'Nothing.'
 
Operator:          'Nothing??'
 
Caller:               'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'  
 
Operator:         'Are you still in  WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
 
Caller:               'How do I tell?'
 
Operator:          'Can you see the C: prompt on the  screen??'
 
Caller:               'What's a sea-prompt?'
 
Operator:          'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
 
 
Caller:               'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything  I type.'
 
Operator:         'Does your  monitor have a power indicator??'
 
Caller:               'What's a monitor?'  
 
Operator:         'It's the thing with  the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light  that tells you when it's on??'
 
Caller:                'I don't know.'
 
Operator:           'Well, then look on the back of the  monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see  that??'
 
Caller:               'Yes, I think so.'
 
Operator:          'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
 
Caller:               'Yes, it is.'
 
Operator:          'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,             not just one??'  
 
Caller:                'No.'
 
Operator:          'Well,  there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other  cable.'
 
Caller:                'Okay, here it is.'
 
Operator:           'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
 
Caller:                'I can't reach.'
 
Operator:           'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it  is??'
 
Caller:                'No.'
 
Operator:           'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way  over?'
 
Caller:                'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's  because it's dark.'
 
Operator:           'Dark??'
 
Caller:                'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
 
Operator:         'Well, turn on the office  light then.'
 
Caller:                'I can't.'
 
Operator:           'No? Why not??'
 
Caller:                'Because there's a power failure.'  
 
Operator:           'A power... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do  you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer  came in??'
 
Caller:                'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
 
Operator:            'Good. Go get them, and unplug  your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then  take it back to the store you bought it from.'
 
Caller:                 'Really? Is it that  bad?'
 
Operator:             'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
 
Caller:                  'Well, all right then, I suppose.  What do I tell them?'
 
Operator:             'Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!'

Will Ferrell-Comedian genius

I think Will is probably one of the funniest actors of our time! He is the ultimate comedian, I have never seen him play a role badly, he puts everything into his character. Be it be swearing, nudity or just plain retarted,he kills it.

Everyone knows him from his famous roles in movies such as Old School, who could ever forget Frank the Tank, every guy has a "Frank" friend after that movie. The guy that fucks up the beer funnel but goes streaking naked alone after it, aahhh good memories.... Anyway back to the movie, probably one of the best quotes ever comes from it, you will have used it in some or other situation, if you have not, shame on you. "YOU'RE MY BOY BLUE!!"

Another great movie is Anchorman:The Legend of Ron Burgandy.
There is so many funny moments in that movie that it is impossible to list all of them but I can sure as hell name one. "I look good, hey everybody come see how good I look", a killer of a line.

It also made history in a very important way, how you ask? It basicly gave every skinny guy permission to refer to his arms as GUNS!









Talledega Nights:The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

In the words of the great Colonel Saunders, "I am to drunk to taste this chicken"
The movie also paved the way for the invisible fire and to call for Tom Cruise's help in any situation. It really made Americans look dumb as well with phrases like."We invented the missionary position and Chinese food." 

Blades of Glory is one of those where you just think to yourself, only Will can make fucking ice skating look cool, and where you can find a comb made of a Norwal's horn according to him.In the movie he is Chad, the original bad boy of competitive ice skating, sorry but that has got to be the most random storyline ever conceded and  he is the "Lone Wolf"






Last but not least we have his latest comical performance, Megamind.

If you have never seen it, do yourself a favour and go check it out. You will not be dissapointed, from the great story to the horrible pronouncing of words such as School and Metrocity( if you watched it you will know what I'm talking about) and the great one liners. I am not saying any of them because you need to experience it for yourself!












Really great one's that you have to see:
Step Brothers
Semi Pro
Elf ( I know it is a family movie, but good never the less)
Zoolander
Land of the Lost
The other guys
Wedding Crashers
Kicking and Screaming



Ed

Why Afrikaans is one of the best languages in the world!!

Everyone had this problem once in your life!

Krisjan :  "Goeie more. Maak vol met Super, asseblief."

Attendant :   "How much?"

Krisjan :  "Vol asseblief."

Attendant:   "I only speak English Sir!"

Krisjan :  "Noooo problem.... Good day to you, Sir.

I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore, I cordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, a sufficient quantity of combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim."

Attendant:   "Hau!" ?

Krisjan :       "Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke English?"

Attendant:   "English..... that? she is not English!"

Krisjan :  "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you do not even recognize the language which you allege to be your singular means of communication?"

Attendant :   "Hau?"

Krisjan :  "Let me attempt to elucidate in the most elementary terms your paltry grasp of the English vernacular is frittering away the time at my disposal, or, as I would put it, in a more civilized, intelligible language....

   Dit is fokken duidelik dat jy fokkol van Engels weet, so kry jou slapgat in rat en maak hierdie bliksemse kar se tank vol voordat ek hier uitklim en jou moer want jy mors my fokken tyd!! Verstaan jy nou??

Attendant:   "Ja,Meneer. Vol,Meneer! Afrikaans is beter, Meneer!

Never put this one up at a AA meeting

Honestly would you stop drinking after you have seen this??



Fuck NO!!


Ed

Brakpan joke for Vasectomy

After having their 11^th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough.  So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive). A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10!  The man said :   "Aag, yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I  dussin see how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me."   "Trust me," said the doctor...

        

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:  "Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife," at which point he paused, placed the beer can  between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...

This procedure also works in: Meyerton, Vereeniging, Vanderbijlpark, Springs, Bronkhorstspruit, Primrose, Eastgate, Carltonville, Orkney, Randfontein, Brits and Boksburg.

Ed

Smart Sipho's actual letter! It's a classic really!

LETTER TO TRUWORTHS IN   JOHANNESBURG 


Dear Sir/Madam

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 9 October 2010 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.

However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honourable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly..

Sincerely Yours,
Sipho

PS: I regret to inform you that given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws. I find it difficult to accept your deliberate and non-professional arrogance.

The way to make a real cocktail

Ed

True story, dumb guy and a bit of Karma

Ed

Difference between yours and your boss's office! It's shit!