Dec 6, 2010
The Real Truth Joke 2010
In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South Africa , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He give Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah sweeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Metro Council for a decision.
Then ESKOM demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.
I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.
Then the Department for Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the BEE group on how many affirmative action persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
The Department of The Interior has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non designated group .
COSATU say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, SARS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The SA Government has beaten me to it."
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He give Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah sweeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Metro Council for a decision.
Then ESKOM demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.
I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.
Then the Department for Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the BEE group on how many affirmative action persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
The Department of The Interior has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non designated group .
COSATU say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, SARS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The SA Government has beaten me to it."
Dec 3, 2010
Dec 2, 2010
Drinking perception
So you go drinking after a damn hard week, you go to your favourite bar or club , first up you get the ice cold Castle or Double special which everyone likes so fucken much. Its always on special if you think about it, has the "special" ever changed in the last 5 or so years? Nope, not at all...
You go back for a few more rounds, get a few shots of tequila and the odd random shit with a awesome name that just caught you....yes I'm talking about the mind blowing names like Butt Fuck baby jelly, the milkmaids sugar tits or the worst shot I have ever taken...the Almighty Tombstone, yes these names are absurd but very catchy.
Shit, if you in a bar, which one would you take? the Sours or the Devils Leather Whip? Ask yourself that. And then the obvious happen, you get brave....you stumble out of your seat, walk casually to the girl that has been looking at you since you got here, she's got the looks , the body and the attitude... I say attitude for a reason because that is exactly what you like that fucks you up mentally, because she was never looking at you, she was looking at your "kak" style, the jeans dont match the shirt accordingly to her and those fucking shoes!? What were you thinking???
You are rejected, drunk and demoralised, you get more hammered than usual to block out the images of that bitch turning you down. Fuck it you going for the next big thing, you hook up with this piece of flesh! Don't give a hell about her name, your friends say, "dude you fucken sure about this, you kinda pissed" and then the universal answer comes to that situation, "I'm cool bro , fokit stop being so jealous, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!!"
You drive home with her, missing a few roadblocks by taking back roads and just speeding all the way cause you ready to get it on, funky time is awaiting you and that thing. You get home, have a extra ordinary time in bed, you can't remember shit really...Waking up to this face just sums up your night
You go back for a few more rounds, get a few shots of tequila and the odd random shit with a awesome name that just caught you....yes I'm talking about the mind blowing names like Butt Fuck baby jelly, the milkmaids sugar tits or the worst shot I have ever taken...the Almighty Tombstone, yes these names are absurd but very catchy.
Shit, if you in a bar, which one would you take? the Sours or the Devils Leather Whip? Ask yourself that. And then the obvious happen, you get brave....you stumble out of your seat, walk casually to the girl that has been looking at you since you got here, she's got the looks , the body and the attitude... I say attitude for a reason because that is exactly what you like that fucks you up mentally, because she was never looking at you, she was looking at your "kak" style, the jeans dont match the shirt accordingly to her and those fucking shoes!? What were you thinking???
You are rejected, drunk and demoralised, you get more hammered than usual to block out the images of that bitch turning you down. Fuck it you going for the next big thing, you hook up with this piece of flesh! Don't give a hell about her name, your friends say, "dude you fucken sure about this, you kinda pissed" and then the universal answer comes to that situation, "I'm cool bro , fokit stop being so jealous, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!!"
You drive home with her, missing a few roadblocks by taking back roads and just speeding all the way cause you ready to get it on, funky time is awaiting you and that thing. You get home, have a extra ordinary time in bed, you can't remember shit really...Waking up to this face just sums up your night
Dec 1, 2010
I miss the good old party days
Fuck I miss it so badly, remember where you actually had to lie to your parents before you go out? "We having a sleep over with some pizza and alcho.....dvds!!!"
Shit those where the best days, no work the next morning when you suffering from the Babbie! I remember still going to buy quarts at a fucken dodgy shebeen in Pretoria North, hell I thought it was going to get crazy when we walked in there but they were chilled, obviously from all the previous little fuckers going in with exactly the same mission as ours...to get shit faced !
Shit those where the best days, no work the next morning when you suffering from the Babbie! I remember still going to buy quarts at a fucken dodgy shebeen in Pretoria North, hell I thought it was going to get crazy when we walked in there but they were chilled, obviously from all the previous little fuckers going in with exactly the same mission as ours...to get shit faced !
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