Jun 27, 2011

How to get fired on your own terms

* Please don’t follow these steps if you like your job and making a killing, I will not be held responsible for any costs that could occur or maintenance of your kids.

Some of us had those where you hate your job so much and just want to take a crap on your boss’s desk (don’t do that, you will get arrested for public indecency)

But you can follow these steps to get fired and actually going out in style, just have a back up plan. * See first paragraph if you regret the decision afterwards.

I will start with some of the basic actions that you can do and move on to stuff that you didn’t even think off, well hopefully.

-          Show up late for everything, never be on time but expect it from everyone else.
-          Mess up the most simplest of tasks, make coffee instead of tea for the healthy living boss or use documents as your food plate.
-          Sabotage the Aircon, put it on cold in the winter and heat up the office in the summer or just kill a rat in the air vent.
-          Steal, not money but stationary with someone’s name on and claim it as your own. Guaranteed to make a few enemies.
-          Eat beans and boiled eggs the whole day, sit back and wait for nature to kick in.
-          Bring your pet to work, a big unwashed dog that shits constantly will suffice.
-          Misspell your co-workers names every time on paperwork and claim that the name are hard to pronounce.
-          Leave your food in the fridge for weeks with a sign on “don’t touch”
-          Claim that water is so expensive, and that you found a cheaper way to get clean. Then point at the water dispenser.
-          Date and dump co-workers regularly.
-          Use the fire extinguishers to make foam in your coffee.
-          Wear crocs to all your meetings and try to convince people that they are the next big thing.
-          Bitch and moan about your salary to the new guy and in the same sentence ask him what he is earning.
-          Make photo copies of your ass daily.
-          Superglue your co-workers mouse to their desks, instant respect from me.
-          Have the most irritating ring tone and never pick up your phone, try Lonely from Akon or Heartbeat from Enrique. Punches may be thrown.
-          Break the coffee maker.
-          Download and print your porn, then leave it at the printer.
-          Num lock all the keypads in the office, frustration will follow.
-          Lock people in the bathroom as frequently as possible.
-          Take paper from work for personal use and make sure everyone sees you do it.
-          Forward every email that requires you to send it to 10 people to make your wish come true, and be dead serious about it.
-          Order take aways and not have any money on you.
-          Park in the boss’s spot or just take up two parkings, in other words – Park like an asshole.
-          Fight everyday with your lover on the phone and afterwards do phonesex to make up.

If you at least complete 3 of these things you will be jobless sooner than later, and join those lucky basterds living of welfare.

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