May 25, 2011

Being a BUM, and rocking at the same time

They are everywhere at the moment, street corners, malls and even the curb outside your house. You won't easily get rib of them except if you throw them with money or an object that looks like a R5, think large bottle caps: works like a charm. 

But I am not going to bitch and moan about it, because we do that everyday. Don't tell me you have never swatted or chased them away like they have been infected with the black plague. I do it, your mom does it even your grandpa in his Datsun bakkie is guilty of it.

 I am going to explain a few easy steps to be the most homeless looking bum in the world and earning a few bucks along the way. 

1-Always look like you are sad, make other people feel guilty because of your situation.

2-Never ever wear shoes, Shoprite bags around your feet if the tar is hot is your only option.

3-Make like you have some sort of a childish skill, painting a bird on a piece of cardboard works perfectly.

4-Throw away your razors, you need to have that cave man look.

5-Always have a last bit of Coke or water left in your bottle, avoid full bottles so that you look thirsty the whole time.

6-Don't sell anything, the less you look like you are doing something to improve your situation the more people will fee sorry for you.

7-Develop a disability, get a wheelchair, cane or dark glasses.

8-Wear clothes that are 3 sizes to small or big, it shows people that you don't fit in anywhere in the world.

 9-Leave your sob stories for "dronk verdriet" nights, make up the most absurd things to put on your piece of cardboard (see these fine examples)

10-Always have good manners and say thank you, no one likes a grumpy bum.

11-Don't accept work from people, you already in the hobo business, who needs to actually do labor when you can make up your own hours and evade tax.

 These are only a few hints to get the ball rolling, if you have any other interesting tips to help some unfortunate bum in the future, please do tell. Happy begging and don't forget to hide that smile, a good bum is always poor.

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